When I get into a funk, I scramble to regain control. Typically, I look for ways to become reinspired or re-motivated. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit this, but oftentimes, just watching shows like Biggest Loser and What Not to Wear does wonders getting me back in the saddle. The latter show, in particular, appears rather flippant and superficial, but as someone who used to hide away at home because of image issues, I totally understand their pain of not feeling attractive, not feeling pretty, of wanting to hide. And so no matter how often I have watched the show, nearly every episode brings me to tears just thinking about how real the outside-inside connection is. You see it with every episode: By making these physical/superficial changes to hair and clothing, the people transform their attitudes, their self-esteem, everything. Like I mentioned before, these actions give people an entirely new “lease on life.”

So my problem lately has been the slow creep/return of my esteem issues. I don’t feel engaged with people. I don’t feel appreciated or valued. When I have my bad days, I don’t even feel like I have someone to listen. Everyone else is engrossed in his/her own life. And so I focus on regaining control, and these days, my method involves retail therapy.

This is a relatively new thing for me actually. Though I had the makeover a couple years back, I’ve never considered myself a huge shopper simply because I’m too cheap. And TJMaxx and Marshalls can only go so far. But my latest companions are online vendors. I go through new arrivals regularly, order stuff, keep some shit, return other shit… but I’m starting to do this like everyday. Browsing around for stuff. Not always buying but definitely browsing. I’m trying to do my very own little WNTW so that I can transform my life from where it is now.

Today, I noticed the effects of retail therapy most distinctly. A new dress arrived in the mail, and I can truthfully admit that it gave me an extra spring in my step. I suppose in lieu of intimate, human connections, the fantasy of improving my life solo sounds pretty damn appealing. Yes, tomorrow I’ll be wearing my new dress to celebrate a new day.