So man, only like a fourth of the students showed up for mental skillz class last night. Fucking slackers. Valentine’s Day. Big f-ing deal, people. It’s not like it’s Chinese New Year. Sheesh. I’m shocked how many people get sucked into this Hallmark holiday. Hubs and I keep it simple: we exchange cards, and he got me a bar of fancy nougat and truffles. But the candy was more just because I’m on a nougat bender. Since my buddy P is such a nougat monster, last week I shuttled down some uber gourmet French and Italian stuff… it was gone in a matter of minutes, and now we’re all hooked. Do you know where I can buy the really good stuff in bulk? Otherwise, I may need to start a production line at home. Yeah, FitBit is making me ravenous. If I didn’t know any better, I would think I were preggers (Yikes!!).

LGB was a riot. Packed itinerary, as expected. No crazy stories like last time regarding nabbing phone thieves and such, but we had a solid good time. I was worried about clocking in my FitBit steps, so I overcompensated. But hell, after four hours of dancing at the salsa club, I ended up scoring a personal record of 14,500 steps!! Yippee! Still #1 on my FitBit leaderboard a month and a half later! Another friend at work just joined last weekend. Maybe now I’ll have some real competition. Either way, I’m gonna be needing new shoes pretty soon, because my soles are wearing thin, clocking 6 miles a day!

My friend G (who recently moved to Seattle) flew into LGB, and we hung with my Peruvian bud P. Well most of G’s wardrobe is still packed up in storage, so she brought this one dress for the salsa club. Well fuck. That dress ended up being the same length, similar color scheme, and similar color blocking as the dress I packed! Totally unplanned. And on top of that, both of us are Chinese with long hair and bangs!! As we started getting ready, my friend Pamela took a look at our dresses and said, “Oh hell no, I’m not showing up at the club with the bopsie twins.” Long story short, I was coerced into wearing one of P’s dresses. Fortunately, it was not super short and tight like her other dresses, but STILL. Fucking leopard print. Interestingly, I have never been asked to dance so many times in my life. Who knew? Guys (at least those at the club) have a thing for animal print. I feel like I just learned one of life’s little secrets. Haha.

Mental skills class was last night. On my way to the train station, some dude passed me on the sidewalk while I was listening to my Spanish tracks (without headphones). Later at the station, he started chatting me up (inviting me to happy hour in Palo Alto or something) and man, he reeked of booze. He insisted that he heard me listening to Chinese tracks.

No dude. I was listening to Spanish. But sure, I guess the two languages sound pretty similar??!! NOT! Bizarro.

My coworkers and I hit a local pool hall the other day. The place had a little bit of everything… food, drinks, fuss ball, pool, pinball, a jukebox, and a boxing stand! The only thing missing was a karaoke room. 🙁

It was a pretty interesting place… tons of pool tables and lots of big burly, Harley dudes. Also, there was a bad ass, tatted-up, tough chick wearing leather/chains… she spent about two hours punching the boxing bag. We were all watching her thinking, “Shit, don’t mess with that woman. She’s big time agro.” I had queued all my teenie-bop songs on the jukebox (Madonna, Carly Rae Jepsen, BBD, Pet Shop Boys), and tough chick kept going in and mucking the song lineup, moving her Metallica shit to the top. WTH? I know she was wanting to fight me!

At the end of the night, she finally left and a few of us were super intrigued. So we gave the boxing stand a try! I didn’t think I’d be into the violence, but hell, punching the bag was pretty goddamn liberating!! I only took two swings, but I got a pretty decent score. And my friend, man, he is a beast. He just walked up and plowed that thing. Long story short, I just signed on to a kickboxing Groupon at a boxing gym down the street. Haha. That’s right: float like a butterfly, sting like a bee…

I also busted out my henna on Sunday while John watched the SB. What do you think of this tat? Sorry to show you my foot. Just focus on the art. Can you tell what it is?? Yup, I’m getting into the zone for possible tats this weekend in LGB.

We got back from Tahoe yesterday afternoon. Solid weekend. We went snowshoeing for hours on Saturday!! The woods and water were pretty darn beautiful. And there’s nothing like that crisp, cold mountain air. But shit, our friends Jx2 are ultra marathon, triathlon, century cycling, Tough Mutter kind of people, so towards the end, I felt like I was on a death march. At least I clocked in 13k steps on FitBit that day. 😉

Btw, now that hubs and I have our own hot tub, other ones out there are pretty frickin’ gross. I mean, it didn’t stop me from enjoying the 250 gallons of piping hot water at the house we rented, but seriously, I had to look away, because I’m pretty sure I was soaking in a big vat of body juice. It was cloudy, frothy, and just plain nasty. Cringe. I know, living in the Silicon Valley bubble is making me soft!!

From Chaparral Ranch

What’s new? John has the flu. He came down this weekend, so I missed the U2 cover band (Zoo Station) at Slim’s on Saturday night. Bummer. And then the Redskins lost. So he’s sad. I still don’t get how people can condone the gladiator-style sport of football. And what is up with the different stories between the Redskins coach and the doctor? Sketchy.

I went trail riding Saturday. My horse Salem was jacked up! He galloped so damn fast, I felt like I was a stunt rider! At one point, my instructor and I were going head-to-head, and then Salem’s competitive juices really kicked in. We were racing down the trail like jockeys in the Derby! Mud chunks were flying everywhere, and I had to duck to avoid decapitation from tree branches! I’ve never ridden that fast for that long. It was a little scary, but oh so exhilarating. Shit, I’m hooked. Need to get my own horse so I can ride FAST all the time. I want a Speed Racer horse.

Oh man, my WWF obsession is getting slightly out of control. I just really like to win. Like at all costs. But whatever, I’m not going to apologize. Why? Because that’s how I roll: I’m all about binging and purging (but NOT in the eating disorder context). I’m just a dabbler at heart: I get into new stuff, go on a bender, lose interest, find something else that’s shiny/pretty, repeat. To be candid, it’s surprising that I’m still living in the Bay Area, still riding, still playing ukulele (which I started in August), still staying friends with you guys… haha, ouch!!

Speaking of losing interest, I finally came clean and admitted to myself yesterday that the Maroon5 Overexposed album sucks. I mean, maybe 3 of 12 songs on there are ok, (i.e. mediocre at best) but the earlier album is definitely much better. And now I have to listen to this crap at the concert in March? Will the Adam Levine eye candy be enough? Eh, not so sure anymore. It’s a new year: I’m going to have new tolerances, know what I mean?

I’m pleased to report that Buzzkill Betty has taken a break. Happy new year indeed! The sun actually came out this week, and I am feeling a gabillion times better. I know, seasonal mood disorder, anyone? Whatever, I’m just glad to be zooming around again.

So Christmas weekend went well though I guess I had neglected to mention it previously. We basically stayed in town (the sore throat kinda lingered), but we got lots of rest. Our good friends J&J came over, we hung out, went for a hike. I went riding at the ranch, went to a hot yoga class. Just low key, if somewhat “boring” (on Christmas Day) according to Bubbey. Yeah, it was just the two of us. I dunno: the holidays are always a little weird– either two chaotic or too sedate. Maybe it has to do with cultural expectations.

Anyway, New Year’s was similar but I was just feeling loads better. J&J came over again: we walked the pups, played board games, watched tv, hung out, cooked. Always a good time with dear friends.

So for the next year, I’m hoping to focus on a few things:

– I want to bring Spanish studying back into my life. Hopefully one lesson a week.
– I want to continue playing uke. Twice a week.
– I’m getting into this FitBit thing, which just means I hope to move around daily, like enough to sweat three times a week. 🙂 Last night, it was about 15 minutes til midnight (when the FitBit restarts), and I was under my daily goal of 8,000 steps. So what did I do? I proceeded to run in place right next to the bed. As if I was doing training drills– you know, kicking the knees all high and shit. I was breathing all heavy. John was making fun of me, but I don’t fucking care. 15 minutes later, I was well beyond my goal. Muuuhhaha. And today, while I was watching a Giuliana and Bill marathon (LOVE them!), I was exercising. That’s right baby, two birds, one stone. I am back in action!
– I want to work on professional development– build new skills, try new environments.
– I want to become a better cowgirl. Last Sunday, I rode a new horse, and well, it was a true test. My riding skillz are still lacking, because this horse just would not listen; in fact, he rammed my knee into the fucking fence. Oh no you didn’t, Chip!!
– I want to work on personal development– more classes, more positive thinking, more mindfulness, more awareness, more calm.
– I want to continue traveling and spending time with people I love.

It’s a lot but I have another year to do it, so slow and easy, right?

I’ve been in a real rut lately. I feel alone, troubled, misunderstood, and unmotivated as hell. I left work early today, because I just don’t care anymore. Yeah, when I’m unmotivated, it’s serious. I can’t even show up at the office just to clock in and draw that paycheck.

I was thinking today that maybe I’m bipolar. And I don’t mean to be flippant about mental illness. But I just feel rather unsteady. I mean, since the end of September, I’ve been such a Debbie Downer. Sure, every now and then something brightens my day, and maybe for a few short moments, I feel blessed and happy. But those are just moments. Overall yeah, this trajectory has gone to the shitter. So why the marker at the end of September? Well, that’s when my manager of five years got fired. Abruptly and unexpectedly. It was the day before our department’s biggest event too, and the explanation from above (though none is legally required for “at will” employment) was generic, lame, insincere.

Certainly, this is all within leadership’s rights. For me though, this is but one of several serious missteps. I no longer trust the leaders. And when I don’t believe in my heart that leadership is inherently good, I can’t just sleepwalk my days. The activist in me tried desperately to change things. I tried to stay hopeful and optimistic. But here we are at the end of the year and every day at the office is just an act of going through the motions, of feigning interest. Who lives like this? (Sadly, probably a lot of people).

I suppose this is what happens when I become disenchanted or disillusioned: I just plummet into this zone where everything seems to suck the life out of me. I feel like a fraud; I feel insignificant. Mostly, I’m disappointed by the status quo around me and within me.

I’ve been going to therapy alone… I can always count on the end of the year to make me feel like a loser, like someone who hasn’t accomplished jackshit. I read all these sites on positivity and on being good to yourself. Maybe they buy me a few minutes of peace; then, I feel like all hell is breaking loose– at least internally. And of course, my emotional state/cycle never seems to jive with John’s. So when he feels like shit, I’m in a good mental state. When I feel like shit, he’s in a good mental state. Is that good or bad to be out of sync that way? I don’t even know.

I just feel restless. In the month following my manager’s departure, I couldn’t sleep and I had no appetite. I lost about 10 lbs in one month. Oddly, I then went to Taiwan where for some reason, the family stress had the opposite effect and I started overeating. Now, two months later, I’m mostly back to my original weight. There was nothing wrong with it, and I intended to at least pack back on some of the lost weight. But now it’s turning into some bizarre control thing. Like I had convinced myself that the lower weight was still solidly within my BMI. And now that I’ve gone back up, now I feel dissatisfied, like things are jiggly and wobbly. I know, a total first world problem. And you would think in light of all the news, none of this would matter. But like I said, I’m fucked up, and it’s a control thing. I just got a Fitbit, so new year new problem. You know how it is.

Two weeks ago, I started getting this insane mondo cyst on the side of my nose. Seriously, it was the size of a dime… on the side of my nose. I hadn’t gotten cysts in a really long time, and then this one was like a double mondo, with two bumps inside one. Naturally, I started freaking out– I was obsessing about it day and night. I have no idea how I convinced myself to leave the house during that period. Anyway, I felt so desperate, I started popping zinc pills like they were going out of style. And what do you know, I fucking gave myself mild metal poisoning. How the hell was I supposed to know that taking 8-10 times the RDA would do this? I’m a goddamn idiot. So yeah, I started getting stomach cramps and pains; I felt nauseas… and I only realized what was happening on a fricking whim. Like one day I decided, hmm, wonder what the web says about taking lots of zinc. It was kind of at that moment that I realized, I could be one of those people who overdoses on meds. Seriously. I look at those pills: they are so damn small. 3 mg of zinc or melatonin or whatever. They are tiny as hell. Anyway, the whole thing was a good reminder to myself to not be an absolute dumbass. Uh hello, am I the daughter of a physician or what? Fucking asinine. The good news is that the cyst is mostly gone, but a small bump is still there. And it’s discolored because I poked and prodded it so damn much. Whatever. On to other issues. And yes, there are plenty of them.

So back to the work dilemma. I met up in October with a friend who’s all into coaching and leadership and “living the dream” and shit. Yeah like Tony Robbins kind of stuff. I hadn’t seen her in a long time, and I have to say, she was just transformed. I mean, normally she’s a positive person anyway but she was super trimmed down and she just looked and sounded great. So I started on my buzzkill story of having to look for another job, boo hoo. She asked what I was seeking, and I gave some nebulous reply: that I didn’t really know but I hoped to recognize it when I found it. She suggested that I be more specific in identifying what I wanted to do. So she recommended a book about identifying and pursuing your dreams… I started reading this and well, now I really feel stressed because of course, I want to be able to identify a dream, a passion. But going through the exercises, I feel now like I have none. Like I’m just this boring, directionless, dabbler/wanderer. What the fuck am I doing with my life?

Yeah, I guess I had allowed myself to believe in the journey rather than the destination, but after reading the book, I feel like there needs to be a destination. And my personality has an affinity for the end goal…

Does it feel like too much self reflection? Yeah, I think so. And yet, I want to ask myself these questions? Can you sense my anxiety?

My therapist says I need to learn to be ok with feeling unsettled. That I need to practice mindfulness: notice that I am unsettled but don’t exacerbate the situation by topping it with anxiety. I can kinda see what she’s saying.

The thing is, I’ve been here before. This whole midlife crisis thing? This is like my third or fourth time going through it. Seriously. Why does it keep coming around? I have no idea, but I wish I could get this shit resolved once and for all. In the past, it was resolved through a new job. I was so happy when I landed that nonprofit tech job. Then management made some shit moves and I got disillusioned, plus I was sick of the bullshit nonprofit pay. The second time I had a crisis, I got out of it when I found my current job. God, I really thought it was the best: blending web tools with advocacy work. Then again, management made some dick moves and the environment just started to get stale. Now I read job postings and nothing sounds interesting. Nothing meshes with who I am. What the hell happened to me? When did I become such a boring, nondescript person with nothing to offer anybody?

For a long time, I felt really good about where I was. I was happy and fulfilled, but the people around me, the people I loved were not. I kept trying to figure out how to solve their issues and their problems. Now, I’m so relieved and thrilled that so many people I worried about, they found their way. They are happy now, and I am so proud and happy for them. But now I’m in the shithole. Maybe this is life’s way of throwing me a bone or two. When there’s a down, there’s an up somewhere. It’s never all down or all up.

I know, I sound like a spoiled brat. I know my life is really good. I just wish I could get it sorted, you know? I often think back to when I was just a kid– before the school anxiety and stress attacks of middle school set in– when I was a really young kid. I wondered how any kid who had a dog could complain or be unhappy with anything. Seriously. You have a dog. Your life is totally golden. And here I am with two of the loveliest dogs ever. And I’m a Buzzkill Betty. How/when did this happen?

I will say that one constant through all of these crises has been my friends. Different ones at different times, but always a steady stream. My therapist agrees that they have always helped me get through my struggles– be they personal/individual, marital, familial, professional… so thanks to all my homies out there. 🙂 I hope my issues aren’t a burden. I’m trying to hash them out… slowly and hopefully surely.

The new year is right around the corner. I’m hoping for a lot of things but most importantly, I want to continue doing things that make me smile: playing ukulele, singing karaoke, riding horses, hot tubbing, spending time with the puppies, watching tv dramas (Nashville), hanging with friends, hanging with Bubbey, and traveling. I’ve got lots of places already on the books, so yay to new adventures. Oh and maybe in the process of all this fun, I’ll find my next gig. Isn’t that what they say? Good things come when you’re not looking.

Whadya know, I got frickin’ sick (again) just before the holiday!! Just a sore throat kinda thing but dang, it dragged me down through the holidays. I just wasn’t my usual jolly, exuberant self. Guess I did kinda get over-confident: After I felt a tad bit better on Sunday, I went horseback riding in the insane wind/rain/cold. Then, I really got slammed.

Still, wth happened to “my body is a temple”? Fucking bullshit.

So among other things, Santa got me a Fitbit (so I can start moving my lazy ass) and Scrabble!!! Shiiiit, my newfound WWF (Words with Friends) drama, which I started while ready to stab my eyes out in Taiwan, just does NOT end!! For realz, that crack is consuming my life!!

Other activities from the holidays: we sang more karaoke, hiked the Stanford Dish, cooked, stuffed our faces, did some home improvement, and watched way too much Entourage… Ugh, it rained crazy for DAYS!! Thank goodness we stayed in town and didn’t have to put up with flight cancellations and delays. That would have really sucked.

I’m grateful that the sun finally out today. I’m practically getting rickets from this Vitamin D deficiency.
Yup, I headed back to work the day after Christmas. You know the deal: ILAWB (Industrious like a worker bee).